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You probably don’t walk around thinking, “I’ve been shaped by a script my whole life.” You just think this is who you are. You get on with it. You handle things. You don’t make a fuss. But at some point, often quietly and privately, something starts to feel heavier than it should. Not always crisis, but you feel it weighing down on you. It feels like pressure, irritability, distance. It feels like anxiety when things feel out of control (Addis & Mahalik, 2003; Mahalik et al., 2003).
Maybe you wake at 3am and your chest is tight before the day has even begun (Clow et al., 2010; Steptoe et al., 2007).
Maybe you feel irritated more than you’d like to admit.
Maybe you feel flat, disconnected, or slightly outside your own life (Levant et al., 2009).
Maybe your relationship feels strained, and you don’t fully understand why (Pleck, 1995; Wong et al., 2017).
Maybe you want to shout but can’t.
Most men in later life are surprised to discover that many of the patterns causing the distress in their lives unto this point, can be traced back to early messages about how they were expected to be. It’s not because men are the problem, but because boys are socialised in very particular ways (Connell, 2005; Pleck, 1995).
The Messaging You Inherited
Most boys grow up hearing some version of the same paternal messaging. No one says, “Suppress your emotions and carry everything alone,” but that is often the lesson absorbed, and those messages become your identity (Mahalik et al., 2003; Addis & Mahalik, 2003). Those messages are unique but by and large they carry the same messages of how to lead your life:
“Stop crying, it’s not that bad” is heard as “man up”, “don’t be vulnerable”.
This is the Protector.
Boys then sees vulnerability as unsafe because they get told off for doing it. They begin to suppress emotions rather than expressing them, and strength becomes defined as protection and control, anger becomes the only socially permitted outlet of emotion that has been curdled by the frustration of near constant suppression.
“Be the strong one and don’t let anyone walk all over you” is heard as “strength means control and dominance”.
This is the Protector.
Boys learn that safety comes from being physically or psychologically stronger than others. Sensitivity is seen as exposure. They begin to suppress softer emotions and amplify assertive or defensive ones (Pleck, 1995; Mahalik et al., 2003). Protection becomes over-control. When they feel threatened, anger feels safer than fear (Jakupcak et al., 2007).
“Sort it out, deal with it, don’t complain” is heard as “problems are solved, not felt”.
This is the Fixer.
Boys learn that emotional processing is indulgent. Action is rewarded, feeling is not. They move quickly into solution mode, even when the issue is relational or emotional. Over time, they struggle to sit with discomfort – in themselves or others. If they cannot fix something, they feel helpless or inadequate. Intimacy becomes frustrating because connection requires presence, not repair (Wong et al., 2017).
“Well done for your A in Music, pity about the C in Maths” is heard as “how will you be successful doing Music”, “success comes first, you come second”.
This is the Provider and Alpha Male.
Boys hear that their worth is measured by how successful they are, how good they are in school, and later what they provide for their family. This happens as boys associate their identity with grades, money, status and productivity. Emotional needs feel secondary because performance is primary (Deci & Ryan, 2000).
“Don’t be a sheep, be a leader” is heard as “status means safety”, “the more status I have the more safe I will be”.
This is the Alpha Male.
Boys learn that hierarchy determines value. Dominance, confidence and winning are reinforced. Cooperation and humility can feel like risk unless they enhance status. Emotional vulnerability becomes reputational danger (Addis & Mahalik, 2003). Relationships may become arenas for comparison rather than connection. When status is threatened – socially, romantically, professionally – identity feels destabilised.
And so, boys slowly become the provider. The protector. The fixer. The Alpha Male.
Sometimes it is said directly but often it is absorbed indirectly through fathers, through films, through social media, through the way emotion was handled or not handled) at home. The issue is not that these messages are malicious. The issue is that they are narrow because …
- When strength becomes silence, vulnerability feels unsafe.
- When protection means emotional distance, closeness feels risky.
- When fixing replaces feeling, anxiety has nowhere to go other than down the plughole.
If you want a clearer understanding of what is happening physiologically when anxiety builds, I’ve written more about that here.
Those roles can be powerful because they come from deep-rooted instincts that served us throughout history – to look after others, to create safety, to take responsibility. But when those instincts are narrowed by social expectations, they can become rigid. If you doubt that, I ask you these questions:
- “If you can only be strong, what happens when you feel overwhelmed?”
- “If you can only fix, what happens when you don’t know the solution?”
- “If you can only provide, what happens when you feel lost?”
When identity is rigid and distress is hidden, anxiety can intensify into panic, depression, or hopelessness (O’Connor & Kirtley, 2018; Wong et al., 2017). In some men, prolonged isolation and perceived failure increase suicide risk (Joiner, 2005; O’Connor & Kirtley, 2018).
When Identity Starts to Crack
When the role cannot be maintained, identity feels threatened, and if you’ve never been given emotional language beyond “I’m fine” or “I’m stressed,” the pressure has nowhere to go (Pleck, 1995).
Sometimes it becomes irritability. Sometimes silence. Sometimes work obsession. Sometimes withdrawal. Sometimes a quiet sense of not being enough.
Many men tell me they are shocked to realise how much of their distress connects back to these early messages. They thought they just needed to try harder. They didn’t realise they were trying to live up to a script that left very little room for being human.
And it doesn’t just affect men.
How These Patterns Affect Relationships
When one person feels they must carry everything internally, relationships shift. Partners can feel shut out, confused, or responsible for emotional stability within the relationship. You might recognise this dynamic in relationships that feel strained without obvious conflict.
I’ve written more about how these patterns show up in couples here.
When stress builds without expression, the body often speaks instead. Tight chest (McEwen, 2007). Restless sleep. Constant scanning for threat.
If that resonates, I explore what is physically happening during anxiety here.
What Real Strength Actually Looks Like
The key point is this.
The issue is not that men are failing. It is that many men were never shown how to expand beyond the narrow version of strength they were handed.
Real strength is not the absence of vulnerability. It is the ability to integrate it, strength expanded looks like this (Brown, 2012; Neff, 2011):
- Protecting your friends from feeling isolated, trapped by their own feelings they can’t express. You can do this by checking in properly. Don’t just take the default “I’m fine”, “I’m okay”, or “I’m pissed off” as gospel. Ask again. Say “this is me and we go back years … you can talk to me because it is probably likely we’re going through the same things but suffering in silence”.
- Providing emotional steadiness to your partner and son, not just money or status. If your partner is female, she is definitely not understanding why you can’t speak to her, or share how you feel with her. She doesn’t realise that neither do you! When we learn we can be vulnerable with those closest to us, we see that the messaging is wrong – it is perfectly safe.
- Fixing the culture of silence among your mates by speaking first. Do stuff with your friends. Women tend to empathise with each other by sitting down over a coffee but men need that interaction so remember to take time for yourself, to spend with your friends.
- Sharing responsibility in relationships instead of carrying it alone or placing it all on one person. It is not the job of your partner to scaffold your relationship so it doesn’t fail. It is a shared responsibility and that becomes apparent when children fly the nest.
Most men don’t know these are options. Most men assume they just need to cope better.
Get Counselling
To Men & Couples
I know most men don’t approach counselling until they are really suffering but it is a shame because counselling is not about telling you that you are broken. It is about helping you see the patterns you inherited in the way they have affected, and continue to affect you. It is not an unsafe space where you have to talk about how you feel, it is more about giving yourself the space to explore who you have been, who you are now and who you want to be in the future.
Understanding how they shaped your identity, exploring how they show up in your stress, your relationships, your self-worth is important to bring purpose and meaning to your life. And expanding your range so that strength no longer feels like isolation.
You may not need advice. You may need space — to understand your own wiring, to recognise what you’ve been carrying, to decide which parts of the script still serve you and which no longer fit.
To Women & Couples
As a woman, counselling with a male counsellor can provide insight into why the man in your life responds in the ways he does. Rather than ruminating and thinking it’s all your fault, you can begin to see your relationship for what it actually is – two individuals who have been brought up in very different ways, trying desperately to survive in a world of unwritten rules.
If any of this feels uncomfortably familiar, you don’t have to figure it out alone.
Reach out for counselling to explore your own patterns, how they affect you, and what you can do differently moving forward.
Strength isn’t doing life alone.
It’s having the courage to understand yourself more deeply.
Sources
Brown, B. (2012). Daring greatly. Gotham Books.
Clow, A., Hucklebridge, F., Stalder, T., Evans, P., & Thorn, L. (2010). The cortisol awakening response: More than a measure of HPA axis function. Neuroscience & Biobehavioral Reviews, 35(1), 97–103.
Connell, R. W. (2005). Masculinities (2nd ed.). Polity Press.
Deci, E. L., & Ryan, R. M. (2000). The “what” and “why” of goal pursuits. Psychological Inquiry, 11(4), 227–268.
Jakupcak, M., Tull, M., & Roemer, L. (2007). Masculinity, shame, and anger in men. Psychology of Men & Masculinity, 8(2), 87–102.
Joiner, T. (2005). Interpersonal-psychological theory of suicidal behavior. Harvard University Press.
Levant, R. F., Hall, R. J., Williams, C. M., & Hasan, N. T. (2009). Gender role conflict and alexithymia. Psychology of Men & Masculinity, 10(3), 190–203.
McEwen, B. S. (2007). Physiology and neurobiology of stress and adaptation. Physiological Reviews, 87(3), 873–904.
Neff, K. D. (2011). Self-compassion, self-esteem, and well-being. Social and Personality Psychology Compass, 5(1), 1–12.
O’Connor, R. C., & Kirtley, O. J. (2018). The integrated motivational–volitional model of suicidal behaviour. Philosophical Transactions of the Royal Society B, 373(1754).
Pleck, J. H. (1995). The gender role strain paradigm. American Behavioral Scientist, 38(2), 185–195.
Steptoe, A., Hamer, M., & Chida, Y. (2007). The cortisol awakening response and stress. Biological Psychology, 75(1), 1–14.