Stress and Distress: The Upside and Downside — an article by Carl Argent

We often use the words stress and distress as though they mean the same thing.

They don’t.

Stress is part of being human. Distress is what can happen when stress becomes too much, goes on for too long, or leaves us feeling that we no longer have the capacity to cope.

That difference matters, because stress is not always a sign that something is wrong. Sometimes stress is a sign that something matters.

It may be telling us that we care about an outcome, a relationship, a responsibility, or a change we are trying to make. It may be alerting us to something that needs our attention. It may be pointing towards a boundary that has been crossed, a need that has been ignored, or a part of life that no longer feels aligned with who we are.

Stress is information.

The difficulty is that when stress becomes intense, we often stop listening to it and start fighting it. We push through, distract ourselves, criticise ourselves, or pretend we are fine. That may work for a while, but it does not always help us understand what the stress is trying to show us.

A helpful question is not always, “How do I get rid of this?”

Sometimes the better question is:

What needs my attention?

Stress is a normal part of life

Stress is your mind and body responding to demand. That demand might be practical, emotional, relational, financial, physical, or psychological.

Starting a new job can be stressful. So can becoming a parent, moving house, ending a relationship, caring for someone, preparing for an exam, or trying to hold everything together when life feels uncertain.

Even positive events can create stress because they ask something of us. They require adjustment, energy, focus, and change.

When we experience stress, the nervous system becomes more alert. The body prepares us to respond. Our attention narrows, our heart rate may increase, and energy is directed towards dealing with what is in front of us.

In small or moderate amounts, this can help. It can sharpen our focus, increase motivation, and help us meet a challenge.

Stress is not the enemy.

The problem begins when stress becomes constant, when recovery never really happens, or when the demands placed upon us begin to outweigh the resources we have available.

Eustress: when stress helps us grow

Not all stress harms us.

Sometimes stress challenges us in ways that help us stretch, adapt, and grow. This is often called eustress: the kind of positive or useful stress that comes with meaningful challenge.

Eustress can appear when we are learning something new, preparing for an important conversation, building confidence, taking a risk, or stepping into a situation that matters to us. It may feel uncomfortable, but it does not usually feel hopeless. There is pressure, but there is also possibility.

This kind of stress can sharpen attention and give us energy. It can help us discover what we are capable of. It can move us towards growth rather than away from ourselves.

Distress happens when that challenge begins to exceed our capacity.

The pressure becomes too much, too constant, too unpredictable, or too unsupported. Instead of feeling stretched, we feel trapped. Instead of feeling challenged, we feel overwhelmed. Instead of moving towards growth, we begin to move into survival.

That is the turning point.

Stress becomes distress when we no longer feel that we have enough safety, support, recovery, control, or inner resources to meet what life is asking of us.

Distress is different

Distress begins when stress stops feeling manageable.

Instead of helping us respond, it starts to consume us. We may feel permanently on edge, tearful, irritable, numb, restless, or exhausted. Small things can feel enormous. Decisions become harder. Sleep may be affected. Relationships may feel more strained. Work may take more effort than it used to.

Many people describe this as feeling stuck in survival mode.

That phrase makes sense.

When the brain and body sense ongoing threat, they prioritise protection over reflection. We become more reactive and less able to pause, think clearly, or respond in the way we would like. This is why someone in distress may know exactly what they “should” do, while still feeling completely unable to do it.

That is not laziness.

It is not weakness.

It is a nervous system trying to protect you, even if the way it is protecting you is no longer helping.

Why the same situation affects people differently

One person may experience pressure and feel stretched but steady. Another may experience a similar situation and feel completely overwhelmed.

That does not mean one person is stronger than the other.

Each of us brings a different history to the present moment. Our childhood experiences, attachment relationships, previous losses, trauma, self-beliefs, physical health, support systems, finances, responsibilities, and current life circumstances all affect how much stress we can carry.

Sometimes distress is not only about what is happening now. It is also about what the present situation touches inside us.

A criticism at work may not only feel like feedback. It may stir an old fear of not being good enough.

A disagreement in a relationship may not only feel like conflict. It may awaken a fear of rejection, abandonment, or being controlled.

A busy week may not only feel tiring. It may confirm a deeper belief that there is never enough time, support, or space to be yourself.

This is why telling someone to “just cope” rarely helps. People are not only responding to the visible problem. They are responding through the whole of their lived experience.

Stress can become a messenger

Stress often arrives before we have fully understood what is wrong.

It may show up as tension in the body, difficulty sleeping, racing thoughts, procrastination, irritability, overthinking, emotional eating, withdrawal, or a constant feeling that something is not right.

These signs are easy to dismiss. We may tell ourselves we are being dramatic, too sensitive, disorganised, weak, or ungrateful.

But stress may be asking us to pay attention.

It may be asking whether we are trying to meet too many expectations. Whether we are saying yes when we mean no. Whether we are living according to our values or simply performing the version of ourselves other people expect.

It may be asking whether we feel safe, supported, respected, connected, or free enough to be honest.

Not every feeling is a fact, but every feeling carries meaning.

The hidden cost of long-term distress

The work is not to obey stress blindly. Nor is it to ignore it completely. The work is to listen carefully enough to understand what it may be pointing towards.

Many people keep going because they have to.

There are bills to pay, children to care for, partners to support, clients to see, parents to help, and responsibilities that do not disappear just because we are struggling.

So people push through.

For a while, that can look like coping. From the outside, everything may seem fine. You may still be working, smiling, replying to messages, attending appointments, and doing what needs to be done.

Inside, though, life may be getting smaller.

You may stop doing the things that restore you. You may lose interest in hobbies, avoid people, become more reactive, or feel detached from yourself. You may find that rest no longer feels restful because your mind never really switches off.

This is one of the quiet costs of distress. It does not always announce itself dramatically. Sometimes it slowly removes our sense of aliveness.

Surviving replaces living.

How I can help

If you are carrying on while feeling increasingly strained, counselling with me gives you space to hear what has been pushed aside. We can explore the demands on you, the expectations you have absorbed and what makes it difficult to rest or say no.

I work with your experience at your pace. We might notice the point where useful effort becomes distress, practise making room for difficult feelings and explore a boundary that protects something important. The aim is a more workable relationship with pressure, with choices that take your needs and circumstances seriously.

What are you carrying that nobody quite sees? We can start with that, even if you are still managing work, family and everything else. Counselling is a place to understand how the pressure is affecting you and what you need, without having to prove that things are bad enough. You can book a free introductory conversation with no obligation to book sessions, or read more about counselling with me.

You do not have to wait until you break

Many people wait until they are at breaking point before they ask for help.

But distress is easier to work with when we notice it earlier. You do not need to be in crisis. You do not need a diagnosis. You do not need to prove that your problems are serious enough.

If life feels heavier than it used to, that matters.

If you are constantly exhausted, that matters.

If you no longer feel like yourself, that matters.

Stress may be trying to tell you that something needs care, change, understanding, or support. Listening to that message does not mean you are failing. It may be the beginning of finding your way back to yourself.

Counselling with me can help you make sense of what you are carrying, understand why it feels so heavy, and begin to respond with more compassion, clarity, and choice.

Sources

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Bruce S. McEwen. (1998). Protective and damaging effects of stress mediators. New England Journal of Medicine, 338(3), 171–179. https://doi.org/10.1056/NEJM199801153380307

Bruce S. McEwen. (2007). Physiology and neurobiology of stress and adaptation: Central role of the brain. Physiological Reviews, 87(3), 873–904. https://doi.org/10.1152/physrev.00041.2006

Robert M. Sapolsky. (2004). Why zebras don’t get ulcers (3rd ed.). Holt Paperbacks.

Stephen W. Porges. (2011). The polyvagal theory: Neurophysiological foundations of emotions, attachment, communication, and self-regulation. W. W. Norton.

Dan Siegel. (2020). The developing mind: How relationships and the brain interact to shape who we are (3rd ed.). Guilford Press.

Donald Meichenbaum. (2007). Stress inoculation training: A preventative and treatment approach. In P. M. Lehrer, R. L. Woolfolk, & W. E. Sime (Eds.), Principles and practice of stress management (3rd ed., pp. 497–518). Guilford Press.

Hans Selye. (1976). The stress of life (Rev. ed.). McGraw-Hill.

Peter A. Levine. (2010). In an unspoken voice: How the body releases trauma and restores goodness. North Atlantic Books.

Kristin Neff. (2011). Self-compassion: The proven power of being kind to yourself. William Morrow