Knowing what matters is only the beginning

Your strengths can help you turn a value into an action that represents something important to you. If you value connection, curiosity might help you ask a better question. If fairness matters, courage might help you name something you would usually leave unsaid. Values give the action its purpose. Strengths offer ways of carrying it out.

That link matters when you know what you care about, yet your days keep taking a different shape. You want to be present with people, but spend the evening finishing work. You want more independence, but keep waiting for someone else to approve your choices.

You can bring this to a conversation with me, whether you want to understand something you have been carrying, find a way through a familiar pattern or move towards a change that matters to you. We can begin with what you need.

What we inherit, and what we make our own

Many of our values first reach us through other people. Family, school, friendships, work, faith and culture give us messages about what matters and what makes a good life. This is part of socialisation, learning how to belong and what is expected of us.

Some of those values may still feel deeply yours. Others may need questioning. You might have learnt to prize achievement, loyalty or putting other people first, then find yourself wondering what those words mean for the life you want now.

Making a value your own includes choosing how to express it. Three people may all value care. One brings curiosity and asks thoughtful questions. Another brings resourcefulness and finds practical help. Another brings patience and makes room for someone who needs time. Their shared value takes a different shape through each person’s strengths, experiences and circumstances.

Our values may have been passed down to us, but the way we put them into practice can be distinctly our own. This is one part of what makes us unique: what we bring to a familiar value, and how we choose to live it.

In ACT, values are chosen qualities of how you want to live and act. They offer a continuing direction. Calling a friend is a goal you can complete. Being a caring friend is something you can return to in many ways.

Schwartz’s theory looks at broader value priorities, such as security, self-direction and concern for others. It can help us notice what pulls on our choices. We can explore both what you give priority to and how you want it to show up in your life.

The same value can have more than one route

Imagine, as a hypothetical example, that you value contributing at work but find it difficult to speak in a busy meeting. You might assume you need to become more outgoing first.

Yet careful thinking could help you prepare a useful observation. Curiosity could help you ask a question. A strength in writing could help you send a considered suggestion afterwards. You may still want to practise speaking, but contribution does not have to wait until you become a different person.

A strength might be a character quality, such as kindness or perseverance, or a skill you have developed. Look for it in ordinary life, in how you explain something, notice what someone needs or stay with a difficult task. It need not be an exceptional talent.

Using it need not feel easy. You can bring courage to a conversation while feeling afraid. Confidence does not always have to come first.

The strengths we learn to show

Socialisation also gives us messages about which qualities are welcome. Being helpful or agreeable may bring praise. Questioning a decision may be welcomed in one setting and discouraged in another.

Consider a hypothetical child who is praised for keeping the peace but whose questions are dismissed. They may get plenty of practice in patience while becoming hesitant to show curiosity. Later, relationships that welcome their questions may give that quality more room.

That makes context important. What have you had the opportunity to develop? Where do you use a strength freely, and where do you hold it back? A profile offers useful words; the experiences behind them help us understand what they mean for you.

Perhaps you are the person who organises everything. You may take pride in that. Yet if you value mutual care, using this strength might now mean helping agree a fairer division of responsibilities. Being capable of carrying more does not mean carrying more is the life you want.

When values and expectations conflict

You may value adventure and security, closeness and independence, achievement and time with your family. Caring about both does not make you inconsistent. Sometimes the tension is within you. Sometimes your priorities differ from those around you.

Conflict can affect which strengths you rely on and how you express them. If honesty brings criticism, you may become careful about what you say. If loyalty has come to mean agreeing, kindness may become a way of keeping the peace while something important remains unspoken.

Those qualities can find other expressions. Kindness can include an honest conversation. Loyalty can include raising a concern because a relationship matters. A supportive setting may help you practise a response you have had little opportunity to use. Conflict does not necessarily make us stronger; what happened, its impact and the support available all matter.

A profile cannot settle competing values for you. Curiosity might help you explore an option; prudence might help you consider its cost. Money, health, caring responsibilities, discrimination and limited opportunities also affect what is possible. Sometimes the next step is asking for support or changing a demand, rather than trying harder.

When what matters is hard to put into practice

Caring about a value does not automatically give us the strengths or skills to express it as we would like. Some may be less developed because we have had little opportunity to practise them. Others may be difficult to draw on when we are stressed, tired or afraid of someone’s response. We can end up acting in a way that does not represent what matters to us, then feel frustrated, guilty or disappointed in ourselves.

Imagine, as a hypothetical example, that fairness matters to you, but speaking up for your own needs is unfamiliar. You keep agreeing to an unequal share of the work because you do not know how to raise it. The value is there, yet expressing it may call for a quality such as courage alongside a skill such as asking clearly for a change. You may need practice, support or a safer setting. A low assessment score cannot tell us which of these applies.

There can be a difficult side to relying heavily on a strength, too. Perseverance might keep you working long after you need rest. Honesty expressed without care might hurt the connection you wanted to protect. Kindness that always takes the form of agreeing may leave your own needs out. We can ask whether the way you are using a strength serves the value, and whether another quality needs a place beside it.

Values themselves can become a source of pressure when we turn them into rigid rules. Achievement may start to mean that resting is unacceptable. Loyalty may become an expectation that you must stay silent, however you are treated. It can help to ask whether this is a value you freely choose, an inherited demand, or an interpretation that no longer fits.

In a conversation with me, we can explore the gap between what matters to you and what feels possible. We might make sense of why a response has been difficult, consider a strength that needs more room, or practise a skill that could help. The aim is to find an expression that fits your life and respects both your needs and the people affected by your actions.

A conversation shaped by what you need

If you are moving towards goals, considering a change at work or deciding what comes next, values can help us check what makes that direction meaningful. Is it something you want, or something you have learnt to expect of yourself? Strengths can then help us find a practical route. This is often the emphasis in coaching.

If you are looking to make sense of the past, understand a recurring pattern or find room for difficult feelings, the exploration may be different. In therapy, values can help us understand what was at stake. Loneliness may sit alongside a wish for closeness. Resentment may raise questions about fairness. These are possibilities to explore together, not meanings I would decide for you.

Strengths can offer resources for that exploration. Curiosity might help you approach a pattern with openness. Compassion might help you meet a painful experience with care. Dependability may have helped you hold things together while leaving your needs unheard. We can respect what it has meant and consider how you want to use it now.

If speaking honestly feels dangerous, an instruction to “be braver” may miss what you have learnt about keeping yourself safe. We can take time to understand that history. A value can guide the work without becoming another demand.

Both therapy and coaching can include the present and future. You might need to understand why a change is difficult before deciding how to approach it. You do not have to work out the right label before contacting me. We can agree the focus together and keep checking that it fits.

Try one ordinary moment differently

Choose one moment coming up this week. Ask yourself: What matters to me here, and what quality or skill could help me express it?

If you want to be more present with someone, perhaps patience helps you stay with their answer. Choose an action small enough for the circumstances you actually have. Afterwards, notice whether it expressed what mattered, rather than whether it went perfectly. You can reconsider what did not fit. This is something to learn from, not another test of your worth.

Questions people often ask

Can the same word describe a strength and a value?

Yes. Kindness might be a quality you draw on and a way you want to treat people. The useful distinction is the role it plays: what matters to you, and how you put it into action.

What if I cannot see any strengths in myself?

Start with an ordinary situation you handled with some care. What did you bring to it? A real example can be easier to recognise than a flattering description. We can explore that together.

Do I need to feel positive before I begin?

No. You can bring uncertainty, sadness or frustration. Recognising strengths does not require you to feel positive about everything.

Make sense of what matters to you

You can begin with my strengths assessment and Schwartz values assessment. The strengths profile is a reflective tool, rather than a validated psychometric test. The values assessment offers a way to explore your priorities. Neither tells the whole story of who you are.

You do not have to make sense of the results alone. I can help you explore what feels familiar, what surprises you and where values pull in different directions. We can consider which expectations you have inherited, which strengths you have learnt to rely on and how you want to use them now.

The reports include automatically generated reflections and are emailed to you and to me. Receiving a report does not mean I have individually reviewed its comments. Our conversation gives us room to understand your experience beyond a score.

Whether you are moving towards a goal or trying to understand something that has been difficult, we can begin with what you need. Book a free introductory conversation to talk about what you would like help with and whether working together feels right. There is no obligation to continue, and you do not need to complete either assessment first.

Sources and related reading

The Association for Contextual Behavioral Science’s explanation of ACT describes chosen values and action as parts of psychological flexibility.

Schwartz, S. H. (2012). An Overview of the Schwartz Theory of Basic Values. Online Readings in Psychology and Culture, 2(1). This explains value priorities and how they can be compatible or in tension. It is a different framework from ACT’s approach to values.

Thomas, K. J., da Cunha, J., and Santo, J. B. (2022). Changes in Character Virtues are Driven by Classroom Relationships. A short longitudinal study of Brazilian schoolchildren found associations between classroom relationships and changes in self-reported strengths. It supports considering strengths in their relational context, without establishing how adult conflicts change particular strengths.

For more about recognising and using strengths, read Why Knowing Your Strengths Matters More Than Fixing Your Weaknesses.