Becoming Yourself: When Your Life No Longer Feels Like Yours — an article by Carl Argent

A life you are good at living

You know how to be the person other people expect. You can be reliable at work, accommodating at home and reassuring when somebody asks how you are. You have learned what keeps things moving.

Then somebody asks what you want, and you struggle to answer.

Perhaps you have a life that makes sense on paper. The job is sensible. Your decisions are understandable. People describe you as capable. Yet there is a quiet distance between the life you are maintaining and the person living it.

That distance can become a coaching question: how do I make choices that feel more like my own?

When keeping the peace becomes a way of life

Adapting to other people is part of being human. We consider feelings, honour commitments and make compromises. Sometimes holding something back is a careful, necessary choice.

The difficulty comes when adjusting yourself becomes so automatic that your own response barely gets a hearing. You agree before noticing your hesitation. You accept another responsibility before checking your capacity. You describe a goal enthusiastically because you know it will be approved of.

Gabor Maté has spoken about the tension between our need for connection and our need to be ourselves. It is a useful way of understanding why being honest about what we want can feel so complicated. We may want to express ourselves and protect an important relationship at the same time.

You might recognise that tension without knowing where it began. Coaching can start with where it shows up now.

The effort of saying one thing and feeling another

Imagine being offered a promotion. Everyone congratulates you. You know how to do the work, and the extra money would help. But the role would take you further from the part of your work you enjoy.

You hear yourself saying that you are delighted. Privately, you feel uneasy.

There may be good reasons to accept. There may also be something important in that uneasiness. Being more yourself begins by allowing both into the conversation.

When your words repeatedly contradict your experience, ordinary decisions can become tiring. You may keep explaining away your reluctance or wondering why success feels strangely flat.

Research has found an association between feeling authentic and greater wellbeing. That does not mean honesty guarantees happiness, or that every compromise is harmful. It gives us a reason to take the fit between your experience and your choices seriously.

You can be yourself and still consider other people

Authenticity can sound like an instruction to say everything you think, leave everything that frustrates you or follow every feeling. In everyday life, it often asks for something quieter: a more honest account of what is happening inside you.

You can care about somebody and disagree with them. You can value your work and want different hours. You can feel grateful for an opportunity and decide that its cost is too high.

There is room for responsibilities, money, health, culture and the realities of your relationships. Those circumstances affect which choices are available and how safely you can express them.

You also have permission to change. Becoming yourself does not require discovering one permanent identity and defending it forever. What fitted you five years ago may need reconsidering now.

Notice what brings you to life

Your strengths can offer clues about what feels like you. These are qualities such as curiosity, fairness, kindness, humour or courage, as well as the skills you have developed. You might notice curiosity when a conversation becomes a genuine exchange, or fairness when you are willing to question an arrangement that leaves someone unheard.

Being praised for something is not the same as wanting your life to revolve around it. You may be excellent at keeping everyone happy and feel depleted by doing so. Ask when you feel involved, when your contribution feels worthwhile and which qualities you would choose to express even without applause.

Positive Psychology brings this fuller picture into view: feeling good, becoming absorbed in something, having relationships where you can be known, doing what matters and recognising your own progress. Authenticity can be part of the connection between these experiences. A goal can look successful while leaving little room for the person pursuing it.

A strength also needs judgement. Kindness can include a limit on what you can give. Perseverance can serve you during a difficult project and work against you when you need to stop. Becoming more yourself includes choosing how to use your qualities in the situation you are actually in.

Start with one honest choice

Think of a recent occasion when your outward answer did not quite match your inner response. What did you notice before you explained it away? What mattered to you in that moment? What were you trying to protect?

You do not have to change the whole situation immediately. You might begin by asking for time before agreeing. You might tell someone that you have mixed feelings. You might return to an interest you stopped mentioning because it did not seem useful enough.

A sentence such as “I need to think about whether I can commit to that” creates space for your answer to develop.

Afterwards, notice what happened. Did the choice feel more considered? What was difficult? What support would help you do it again?

How I can help

I offer a calm space to notice what you think and feel before you turn to what other people expect. My person-centred approach means I take your experience seriously and trust you to decide what fits your life. I can help you hear your own voice more clearly, including when there are competing responsibilities.

I bring my training in Positive Psychology into practical work with your values and strengths. We might explore when you feel most like yourself, what qualities you draw on in those moments, and how you could bring more of them into a decision or relationship. My background as a counsellor also helps me pay attention to the self-doubt and emotional pressure around a change.

Together, we can take one recent decision and compare it with your values, notice which strengths you used and rehearse a response that includes your own needs. You might leave with words for a boundary or one small change to try. When we review it, I will ask about the effect on your self-trust, energy and relationships, as well as whether you did it. You choose the direction and the pace.

If you have spent a long time being what other people need, knowing what you want may take a little space. We can begin with a decision you keep putting off or a familiar “yes” that does not quite feel honest. You don’t need a new life plan before we talk. You can book a free introductory conversation, with no obligation to book sessions, or read more about coaching with me.

Sources and further reading

Maté, G. Reconciling Attachment with Authenticity.

Sutton, A. (2020). Living the good life: A meta-analysis of authenticity, well-being and engagement. Personality and Individual Differences, 153, 109645.

Seligman, M. E. P., and colleagues (2005). Positive psychology progress: empirical validation of interventions. Research includes trying character strengths in new ways.

More coaching reading

Feeling Good and Living Well: Making Room for Pleasure and Purpose

When Motivation Disappears: What Is Missing From Your Day?